It feels really weird to say that.
I am a husband and father of two, and the implication of those words does not seem to correspond with my own perception of myself.
I am married with two kids?! Don't get me wrong, I love it. I am so glad that this is my life. I wouldn't trade it for anything. But that doesn't feel like my reality right now. Add onto this that I am now called "Pastor" by a whole congregation of people... I went through the schooling, was deemed qualified, and got placed in the field, but does that make me "Pastor"? To be married with two kids, to be a pastor, means you're a grown-up, and I don't always feel like I am.
I think my "identity crisis" comes from the common conception that we "grow up". You outgrow the things of the past in order to become something new, something more, something better. That is not my reality, though. When I turned 18, I was called a "man" and no longer a boy. At the very least, Gillette mailed me a razor and told me I was (though beards are much more manly, am I right?). Was I not a man then, because I have a different perception today of what makes a man a man? (And no, a beard is not a requirement for being a man, although it is suggested.)
People told me I was loving and a good leader when I was in high school. I now have a much fuller understanding of what it means to love and to be a leader; does this mean that I was not really a leader in high school?
People told me I was smart when I was a child. I know so much more now than I did then; does this mean I wasn't actually smart as a child?
The real issue is that I have not grown up. Growing up is a lie, and it does not actually happen. There is not a future reality that is going to bigger and better than this moment. In this moment, I am as big as I could be, as much of a father, husband, son, Pastor, as I could be. And I will not out grow any of these things. Growing up means I am waiting for something bigger. But why should we be waiting for something else?
I am growing in. I am growing in to the qualities and jobs and titles I have been given. I was a husband from the moment I married my lovely bride, and I am growing into more and more of a husband. I was a father from the moment Abram was conceived, and I am growing into more and more of a father every day. I understand at a deeper level what it means to be a "man" as I get older, and I work to embody that, to more fully express that every day.
We grow in to the qualities, titles, and jobs we have. The task before us is not to grow up and out of what we once were, but to work at embodying more clearly and fully that which we already are.
This does not give us license to be lazy. I don't have a free pass on maturity, just because I am growing into something more. Actually, the idea of growing up is what gives us a free pass. "Someday, when I grow up," you may say, "I will give up these habits, I will finally start doing such-and such." The reality is that we continue to mature, like a good wine, and there is no drastic change. It comes slowly, and with time. And this moment has an extreme importance in my development, in the process of me becoming more and more of what I have been created to be.
I am married with two kids. I will never be more of a "Daddy" or husband than I am right now. And that is so encouraging. I am those things. And I will continue to be them, continue to grow in to the roles I have been given. It will be a process, and every day is important.
I don't want to discard who I am or where I've been. The "Daddy" I am today is pretty awesome, and I do not want to forget the wonders of being a new(ish) dad. I might not be equipped to parent a 14-year-old going through puberty, but I don't have to. Yet. I'll grow in to it. For now, I'll be who I am and do what God has given me to do.
Will you give up the idea of Growing Up? Will you give up the fantasy with me that there is something bigger coming? Will you embrace who you are right now, no matter how you feel, and be the person you have been made to be and do the things you have been given to do?
I hope so.
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